Correct Without Crushing

Quarter 1 is wrapping up — and as parents, some of us may be having the same internal dialogue:
“How is it already October?” followed by, “How are these grades possible?”

Let’s be honest — this is when even the best households get a little spicy. We start scanning grade portals like crime scene investigators, looking for everything our kids can do to ensure the best outcomes for that report card.

Before we go full detective mode, it’s worth pausing to remember that correction is supposed to teach, not torch.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I wrote:

“A controlled, positive response during a disagreement can help young people feel heard, respected, and valued way faster than peace times.”

And if we’re being real — these aren’t peace times. This is “missing assignments, mystery zeros, and forgotten permission slip” season.

We’ve All Been There

When we’re frustrated, our voices get sharper, our patience gets shorter, and our words come out heavier than we mean. The irony? We ask kids to watch their tone while ours could peel paint off a wall at times.

We’ve all done it. No judgment here. Parenting is the only job where you can go from a calm life coach to Samuel Jackson in Coach Carter in under 10 seconds.

But this is where growth happens — for them and for us.

As Parents, We Can Correct Without Crushing

Here are three ways to bring the temperature down while still holding the line of accountability:

1. Separate the Kid from the Mistake.
   “You’re not lazy — you just didn’t plan this one right. Let’s fix it.”
   Keeps their dignity intact and the conversation moving forward.

2. Pause Before You Pounce.
   When emotions are high, wisdom takes a backseat. A short break before you talk beats any lecture delivered in frustration.

3. Circle Back After Correction.
   Once things cool off, we can remind them — and ourselves — “I was frustrated, but I believe in you.”
   That one sentence rebuilds more trust than any consequence.

A Quick Reality Check

We’re all human. But since we’re the adults, we carry the bigger responsibility for how a hard moment ends. If our kids can leave the conversation feeling corrected but not crushed, that’s a win for everyone.

Closing Thought

As Quarter 1 closes, don’t just check the grades, let’s check the tone in our homes. Support and correction that comes from love lasts longer than correction that comes from control.

Here’s the bonus; if we can stay calm while they “forget” another assignment, we might just earn our own progress report to celebrate!

The Hidden Power of Listening: Hearing the Message, Not Just the Delivery

When kids are upset, they’re not always calm or respectful. Sometimes their frustration comes out as anger, sarcasm, or even yelling. It’s tempting for adults to get caught in the delivery and miss what’s underneath: a deeper concern, fear, or even a cry for help.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I wrote:

“Often, young people present a smoke screen of argument that distracts our focus, but the responsibility of control and maintaining the healthiness of the conversation lies on us as adults. … Sometimes the argument is the only way that they know how to ask for help. How we respond will reinforce that they can either talk to us or not.”

Let’s step back from our kids a second and face a hard truth: as adults, we aren’t much better than kids at expressing ourselves when we’re upset or angry. When we’re upset, our delivery often isn’t great either; our tone sharpens, our volume rises, and our patience becomes a struggle. The difference is that as adults, we rarely get called out on it the way kids do. We expect young people to manage their delivery with maturity they haven’t yet developed, while giving ourselves a pass when ours falls short.

Why We Miss the Message

• We react to the surface. Adults often lock onto the disrespect or sharp delivery instead of what’s driving it.

• We take it personally. Often, their frustration isn’t even really about us, it’s about something else entirely.

• We forget our own reflection. If we’re honest, our approach sometimes makes things worse, but kids don’t get to point that out without consequence.

How to Listen Past the Delivery

1. Hold a Mirror Up to Ourselves
   Ask: “If someone spoke to me the way I just spoke to them, how would I feel?” Self-checks keep us accountable.

2. Name the Emotion, Not Just the Tone
   “I can hear that you’re frustrated. Let’s figure out why.” This shifts the focus from how it was said to what needs attention.

3. Look for the Help Behind the Heat
   Remember: sometimes the outburst is the only language they know for asking for help and saying, “Please see me, I need help!”

A Practical Example

Youth: “You don’t care what I think!”

• Surface Reaction (delivery-focused): “Don’t yell at me like that!” → Escalation.

• Message Reaction (empathy-focused): “It sounds like you feel ignored. Help me understand.” → De-escalation, with trust.

Later, circle back: “I want to talk about your concern — and also about how you expressed it. That way, we both learn to handle hard conversations better.”

Closing Thought

Listening past delivery doesn’t excuse disrespect. It models balance. If we want kids to learn how to handle frustration without losing the message, then we have to show them what that looks like in our own communication and example. When both sides work on tone and message, conflict becomes less about winning and more about growing.

Stop Talking at Kids, Start Talking With Them

One of the biggest obstacles to connecting with young people is that we spend too much time talking at them and not enough time talking with them.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I wrote:

“How many conversations do we have with our kids around normal things that are related to their interests in contrast to those related to giving them directions, directives, and correction? For almost everyone reading, the proportion that you come up with in an honest assessment of your interactions will likely correlate with your success in communicating with your child. The parents I’ve encountered who regularly talk to their kids about topics of interest rather than directive conversations traditionally have better relationships with their kids.”

This is a hard truth for many of us: if most of our words are commands, corrections, or lectures, we shouldn’t be surprised if kids tune us out. No one likes to feel like they’re being constantly managed.

Turning Lectures into Dialogue

Lectures feel one-sided because they are. Dialogue invites partnership. The goal isn’t to get kids to obey on command, the goal is to help them think, reflect, and choose wisely on their own.

Here are three ways to turn a monologue into a conversation this week:

1. Flip the Question
   Instead of saying: “You need to do your homework before you play games.”
   Try asking: “What’s your plan to finish homework before you start gaming tonight?”

2. Invite Their Thinking
   Instead of: “You need to stay out of trouble at school.”
   Try: “What’s been going on in class lately; anything making it harder to focus?”

3. Share Your Perspective Briefly, Then Listen
   Keep your part short. State your concern, then let them talk, even if it means a pause feels awkward. Silence is where kids start to process.

A Weeklong Challenge

Try to notice your ratio of directive talk vs. interest talk this week. If 80% of your words are commands or corrections, aim to bring that down to 50%. Ask about music, sports, friends, or memes they love. Show them you’re interested in who they are, not just what they’re doing wrong.

Why This Matters

When we switch from “talking at” to “talking with,” we tell kids: You matter. Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. That shift changes the relationship from a compliance-based transaction to a collaboration. Over time, it builds trust, and trust is the soil where real relationship and influence grows.

A Final Thought

If this post resonates, Let’s Talk dives deeper into the power of shifting from directives to dialogue, and why that shift might be the single most important thing you do for your relationship with the young people in your life.

Trust Is Built in Car Rides and Snacks

Some of the most important conversations with young people happen when you least expect them: in the car, over a snack, or while you’re doing something completely ordinary.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I shared a story about the years I spent coaching basketball and how those road trips changed the way I approached communication:

“I’ll admit that there were road trips where all I wanted to do was escape the car, but through each adventure, I was grateful for the experience. These girls trusted me, and in return, I gave them truthful and open dialogue in a way that I had not in the past with other youth. Again, they taught me how to first listen, then they helped me learn how to effectively communicate through a foundation of trust.”

That lesson has stayed with me. We tend to overthink the “big talk” and underappreciate the dozens of little conversations that add up to connection. When a teenager drops a bombshell in the car, it’s rarely because they planned a dramatic reveal; it’s typically because the car is a safe place. They’re facing forward, you’re not making eye contact, and the pressure is low. That’s when walls come down.

Why Car Rides and Snacks Matter

Car rides and snack breaks are powerful because they are unstructured moments. There’s no audience, there’s no stage, and there’s no pressure. In these settings, kids are more likely to bring up what’s really on their minds because the environment feels casual.

Psychologists describe “parallel play” as when children play side-by-side, doing similar things, yet without interacting directly. This is an important developmental bridge toward more interactive social play (Parten, 1932; Bakeman & Brownlee, 1980) Psychologists often suggest that this “parallel play” concept can make conversations feel safer. When we’re not staring a young person down, they feel less judged and more willing to speak honestly.

Turning Ordinary into Extraordinary

Beyond this tip from researchers, the key is to stop seeing these moments as throwaway time. The car ride isn’t just a commute from one place to the next, it’s a mobile confessional. A late-night kitchen visit isn’t just a snack; it’s an invitation to connect.

If we treat these moments as interruptions, we’ll miss the magic. If we plan for these moments and lean in, pause the podcast, set down the phone, and just listen, we can transform them into opportunities for trust-building that last a lifetime.

3 Quick Tips to Building Trust in Ordinary Moments

1. Be Present in the Ordinary – Put the phone down, turn the music down, and let silence invite conversation.

2. Match Their Energy – If they joke, laugh with them. If they get serious, stay calm.

3. Don’t Rush to Fix – Resist the urge to lecture or solve. Just stay with them in the moment and start with listening.

The Long Game of Trust

Trust isn’t built in one big conversation; it’s built in a hundred small ones. Every time a young person opens up, you’re making a deposit into the “trust account.” Every time we dismiss, minimize, or overreact, we make a withdrawal, and those overdraft fees are expensive.

When kids know they can bring you the small stuff without fear, they’ll bring you the big stuff when it matters most. The goal isn’t perfect parenting or flawless teaching, the goal is consistency. It’s our job to shows kids, “You can trust me, even on the hard days.”

A Final Word and a Sneak Peek

If this resonates with you, Let’s Talk goes even deeper into these small but powerful moments and how to use them to strengthen your relationship with the young people in your life. This blog series will keep exploring these everyday opportunities through November, then in December, we’ll dig into bigger questions about where our communication habits come from and how generational patterns affect the way we connect.

Why Regular Conversations Matter More Than We Realize

Sometimes the most powerful insights come in the simplest truths. In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I uncovered one of those gold nuggets—a perspective that shifts how we think about every conversation we have with young people:

“How many conversations do we have with our kids around normal things that are related to their interests in contrast to those related to giving them directions, directives, and correction? For almost everyone reading, the proportion that you come up with in an honest assessment of your interactions will likely correlate with your success in communicating with your child. The parents I’ve encountered who regularly talk to their kids about topics of interest rather than directive conversations traditionally have better relationships with their kids.”

That line may seem simple, but it holds one of the biggest keys to unlocking how we build real influence with today’s young people.

Most of us think communication with young people comes down to rules, advice, and life lessons. But if you really examine the ratio of instructional conversations to everyday ones, you might find a problem.

In Let’s Talk, I challenged parents and educators to ask themselves: How often do we talk to kids about things that interest them versus times we’re giving directions, corrections, or critiques? The answer usually explains a lot about the quality of the relationship.

Here’s the truth: relationships aren’t built in the big “sit down, let me tell you something important” moments. They’re built in car rides about music, conversations over a late-night snack, or laughing about a silly meme. Those ordinary moments are deposits into the trust account. Then, when it’s time to give instruction or correction, kids are more willing to hear it—because you’ve already proven you care about them, not just their performance.

Instructional conversations are withdrawals. Everyday conversations are deposits. If your balance is always negative, don’t be surprised when the bank closes.

So here’s my challenge: Today, instead of just telling a young person what to do, try starting a conversation about something that matters to them—even if you couldn’t care less about TikTok trends, Fortnite, or their favorite rapper. Those small investments pay the biggest dividends in connection.

It's OK to Slow Down!

One of the conversations that I find myself having more and more often is related to the maturity of our young people, or rather what seems like their lack. When I considered this early on in my career, just like many I felt as though the solution was to help students grow up faster. Like that works. The reality of the matter is that we each mature and grow at our own pace and time and that is based on a number of factors. We cannot simply put an age on different development points that fit for all people. Research has helped us narrow it down and get very close in understanding the behavior and characteristic of overall ages, but it seems that more and more those traditional characteristics that we learned in Basic Psychology 101 do not fit. These characteristics seem to fit with an error range of +/- 3 years in both the physical and emotional development of kids. Although that kind of margin of error may not seem to be a lot, within the education world it is huge. What that means in my mind is that a 12 year old entering 7th grade in my building could behave and have needs anywhere from what would be characteristic of a 9 year old all the way to a 15 year old. That is a huge range of possible needs and variables What is happening?

Over the past few years, I have been especially observant of not just the emotional maturity of the young people that I work with but also their physical maturity. At the middle school level, students come in all sizes but I have in fact noticed an increase in students who have yet to hit those middle school age growth spurts and developmental marks. The truth is when we think about this in a larger context, it actually makes sense and can possibly be viewed as a positive sign if we choose to allow it. As our society has moved to a healthier diet and parents are utilizing more natural and organic products, kids are consuming less things that push unnaturally early development. As a parents I would like to say that the more we have learned, the better decisions we have made about many of the factors that impact the growth and development of our kids. It seems as though this slower development and maturity may be a positive result that has gotten a bad wrap.

When we think back to the Vietnam era and before, 18 year olds were headed off to war. I jokingly ask people as I discuss this topic, can you imagine the average 18 year old going to war now? For many of our young people it is hard to imagine them even going off to college alone at 18. We still push these paths as proper and many young people still do a fine job of tackling these challenges, but there are a number that do not and it often marks the beginning of a very difficult path emotionally, as well as for their future education and employment. Maybe we need to rethink this and reconsider what we define as adulthood and explore a different path in helping our young people mature. Why are we in such a rush to have our kids grow up and who said 18 was the magic age? That may be the extent of how long we feel we can tolerate them at times in spite of our love, but I believe we can all agree that for the average 18 year old, that age does not represent an age of adulthood in the maturity, development and overall preparedness of our kids within today’s society.

What does this mean and what can be done? From my perspective as an educator, one of the biggest things that it means is that I have to adjust some of my practices and beliefs as it relates to the kids that I service. This is true in what I expect them to do and how I help them gain independence in successfully performing those tasks. I operate under the belief that no one wants to fail but some people do not have the strength, tools and/or knowledge to succeed. There are times, especially in the school environment, when intentional failure is simply easier and less painful than unintentional failure. When a child or young person is not feeling confident in their ability to find success, it often becomes the easier path to just not try. How does this all relate to this topic of development? Some of the characteristics required to simply manage all of the responsibilities of life, especially at the secondary level, becomes difficult for our less mature kids. They can build habits and learn how to organize themselves and develop healthy coping skills within more demanding environments, but for the most part as a society we do a lot of hand holding and coddling of our young people at the elementary level and below only to expect them to be responsible pretty much right away when they enter the next. Where is the middle ground and acknowledgement of the declining maturity?

I can almost hear the complaints right now in folks feeling as though I am saying that we should not push our kids to be responsible. That is not what I am saying, but rather I am promoting a greater level of tolerance and time for it. I am suggesting that we spend more time instructing and guiding and less time focused on the negative aspects of this dynamic. Some kids will need to practice a skill twice that another may need 100 repetitions to master, and both are ok. Some kids may need help periodically staying organized while others never need any assistance at all. My point is that each of these needs and situations are ok and developmentally appropriate for kids of a variety of ages and it is time we simply accept that. It’s OK to Slow Down!

Let's get it started!

I’m super excited to begin blogging and sharing my experiences working with young people. First and foremost, thank you for visiting my site and valuing the information that I share. Successfully interacting with the young people of today is one of the more complicated tasks that we face as adults. I have spent my entire career working with young people of various backgrounds and demographics and the one things I learned is that I have a lot to still learn!

I’m approached on almost a daily basis by parents of students within the school that I am principal. The number one struggle that I hear is breaking through the walls that our young people present and opening up genuine lines of communication that will allow parents and adults to understand and assist with the needs of our youth. Everything from the lingo that is used to their experiences in today’s fast paced world sometimes feels foreign to us. The goal of this blog is to open up dialogue among those of us facing this challenge to assist each other in finding success.

There are so many things going on in our society right now that need discussion but I do not want to overwhelm and not allow time for processing. The first topic I want to tackle is the increase in youth suicides and other related illnesses. Each year within the schools we encounter a number of students who are expressing concerning messages related to self harm. It seems as though between the issues related to bullying, diagnoses illnesses, and overall self-esteem issues, more and more teens are finding it difficult to push through the difficult times of life and find hope in the future. How do we as the adults who have been charged with the support of these young people put our best foot forward towards helping them? With the minimal communication that some of our young people offer, how do we even know they are struggling?

When parents approach me with these types of questions or even when I struggle with these concerns related to my own kids, I always try to go back and remember what it was like being a kid myself. I remember how hard it was to talk to adults and feel the confidence at times to open your mouth and say what’s on your mind. I then ask myself why it was like that and I remember feeling as though I was alone in my concerns and that the adults around me simply wouldn’t understand. I remember feeling that I would get in trouble for my thoughts and questions and feeling afraid and ashamed. This wasn’t because the response that I was getting from adults always reinforced these beliefs, but rather as a young person the lack of experiences and confidence to know what’s normal and what’s not.

So how do we bridge that gap of understanding and comfort between adults and young people to open up the lines for greater communication? How do we create and facilitate that comfort and confidence within our young people to say the things that they feel to us in order to allow us to process these feelings and emotions with them before they make the wrong decision(s)? There is no simple step by step answer outside of creating environments that are accepting that normalize the experiences of our youth. That doesn’t mean normalizing suicide but rather normalizing talking about it in responsible ways. This means opening up the lines of communication with our young people in creative ways that lay a groundwork of comfort for discussions around any topic. There are a number of resources available online that can help guide and help us with starting conversations with our kids. I won’t insult you and you can do your own Google search on this.

The one practice I would like to point out, however is the role modeling that we often leave out of the equation, especially as we talk about dealing with our feelings and emotions. I have found in my time working with young people that most kids handle themselves emotionally in the exact same manner as their parent(s), guardian or role model. Modeling healthy emotional coping skills is critical towards helping our kids to develop them. Is this a cure all for the suicide epidemic that we’re facing? Of course it isn’t but it is one of the biggest first steps towards developing an emotionally healthy society that does a better job at preventing these tragedies.

They will do as we do and not as we say no matter how much we talk and how much we pray.